


Can't Hide

by Gina_DCC



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-18 08:59:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4700015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gina_DCC/pseuds/Gina_DCC
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During his time as Hedwig, Darren reminisces about the times with Chris.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've got about eight chapters worth of story here, so I'm just gonna post the first and see if it's any good to keep posting. Not sure if eight is the end total or if there's gonna be more though just yet ...  
> So please do let me know what you guys think about it ... I have already loved writing this but I want to know if it's worth to keep going.  
> ♥
> 
> (ps. Mia is present in this story, but just to warn you, it's not in the best way that I've written her so ...)

**_ PRESENT _ **

Sitting in his dressing room, all geared up to get on stage, Darren looks at his reflection in the mirror in front of him. Just being done with another twitter spree, he sighs heavily as he thinks about all the tweets that are asking about Chris. He usually tries to ignore them, he’s been told he has to ignore them especially now but it gets harder and harder for him to do so. 

Not that there is anything to tell though, that’s a story that’s already been long over but he can’t help himself, wanting to drop another little hint about it even though he knows he’ll get another scolding. Almost running a hand over his face, he stops himself just in time remembering he’s already in full make up and drops his hand on his vanity before pushing himself up off the chair and discarding himself of his phone.  
A little voice in the back of his mind is screaming at him to pick up the phone again and simply dial the number he knows so well but hearing Rebecca call out his name brings him back and he hurries through the dressing room door.

 

**_ JULY 2011 _ **

“Speak of the devil, hi Kurt”  
_“Helllooo Dublin!!! Oh Blaine it’s our last night in Dublin”_  
“I know”  
_“And it’s our last night on the glee 2011 tour”_  
“Yes”  
_“So I wrote a poem”_  
“Oh you didn’t”  
_“Which I will recite now for you”_  
“Oh Kurt you’re such a romantic. Sorry Okay”  
_“Blaine Anderson Warbler I have never loved another,_  
_Except for last year when I was in love with my stepbrother._  
_I admire you almost as much as the late Alexander McQueen,_  
_You squint* when you sing!_  
_How I miss our impromptu performances in the Dalton academy halls, the rooms, the bleachers,_  
_Where the hell were all the teachers?_  
_We’ve seen everything eye to eye, all the pain and hurt,_  
_At least we did until my last growth spurt._  
_We’ve shared so many intimate moments that shine in glitter,_  
_Just the two of us Facebook, Myspace, Tumblr and twitter._  
_Since we’ve met it’s been absolute heaven,_  
_For your Emmy consideration 2011._  
_But through all the glory the scary and the hype,_  
_I swear to god I’m going to punch the next person who calls me a stereotype._  
_I’m so glad to have found a partner as talented as me and forever we shall be,_  
_Unless the writers change things in season 3._  
_So Blaine until that happens I thought now would be the perfect time to propose …”_  
“What exactly are you proposing Kurt?”  
_“Blaine warbler?”_  
“Yes?” __  
“Will… You… Join glee club?! “  
“Shut up come here, c’m here, get up. Kurt, you had me at Emmy …”

Darren cradles Chris’ face without really thinking about it, he’d been planning to do something but it wasn’t supposed to be this. Still he doesn’t back out and leans in, kissing Chris a little harder than necessary and with a little hum that he hopes will not be picked up by the microphone before he leans back again and crosses his arms in front of him, lifting the mic up enough to be able to go through his next few words.  
“Did you think Santana was the only girl that was gonna get some fun? Kurt you are my inspiration and I thought that you would never ask, what do you guys think, should I join glee club? Kurt you know I’ve always wanted to do something that the warblers never, ever let me do …”  
_“Wear another blazer!!! “_  
“Kurt we’ve been through this, you love the blazer. No I’ve always wanted to do a big 80s powerhouse rock song, wouldn’t that be fun? Please?”  
“ _Yeah no honey no, no it’s scripted that Finn is next.”_

Making sure he’s as quick as can be backstage again, he wasn’t prepared for the cat calls being made by some of his co-stars who are all standing there with knowing grins and smirks on their faces. He just looks at them dumbly for a moment until he’s startled out of his numbness by Chris crashing against his back and a curse escapes his lips while he turns to look at the other guy.  
“Darren? What the fuck was that? I …” Chris starts, his voice breathy and not really carrying its usual snark and snideness.  
With a shake of his head, Darren takes a step back and turns to leave for the dressing room where he knows some of his fellow “Warblers” are, figuring they’d be the least to call him out on anything since they’ve been away from the stage for now.  
Darren can’t help but keep having a nervous vibe inside of him, not able to really look Chris in the eye anymore even though normally he isn’t like that. But he avoids him, at all costs even if, weird looks be damned, he’s standing on the opposite side of the stage instead of where he’s supposed to be. It lasts until the entire show is done, everyone hurriedly running backstage again to get themselves out of their outfits and into regular clothes. Having been held back for a moment by Jon, Darren hurries through the corridor when he’s suddenly stopped by a hand on his elbow, not forcibly but still tugging him to a stop. He’s not sure why he didn’t expect him, he should’ve but when he sees Chris standing there with his gaze intently on him, Darren huffs out a sharp breath as his gaze drops to the floor between them.  
“Darren … You can’t keep avoiding me, we share a fucking room, for crying out loud.” Chris states, his voice weirdly cool but if Darren would’ve taken the time to look up again, he would’ve noticed the confused and slightly hurt look that is clearly visible in his friend’s eyes.  
“Yeah, I know …” Darren mumbles as he keeps his gaze down, “Look … I’m sorry okay, I … I have to go, gotta get this gel out of my hair.” He pulls his arm back and without looking at Chris he just turns and rushes away, leaving Chris there looking after him with a slightly bewildered but definitely one mixed with hurt expression.

It’s already nearing 3 am when Chris stumbles through the door of their shared hotel room, Darren having stayed there under the pretense of not feeling all too well before the others went out to celebrate their last day of their tour. Darren’s not sure if he should acknowledge that he’s actually still awake but Chris decides for him at that moment when he crosses the room with a determined look in his eyes. Stopping right next to the bed, he looks at Darren for a long moment, the latter doing his best to stay with his eyes closed. But when he feels his bed dip beside him, Darren isn’t able to stop himself from opening them.  
It’s with a sigh that he blinks up at Chris in the faint light of the bedside lamp and mumbles a soft, “Chris, what are you doing?”  
Chris doesn’t speak though, just lifts his finger to lay it on Darren’s lips as he shakes his head slightly. He settles himself underneath the covers, Darren wondering when exactly he’d taken off his clothes, and retracts his finger from Darren’s lips.  
Darren isn’t sure what to do, not able to do anything else than just look at Chris silently for a few long moments when his earlier state of mind quickly returns and he drops his gaze back down.  
It’s only then that Chris croaks out a hoarse, “Darren …” before he lays his arm over Darren’s waist and pulls him closer against him while he crashes their lips together in a fierce kiss. Breathing in harshly through his nose, Darren can only kiss him back while his own arm finds its way around Chris now, no other thoughts than just _‘Chris’_ going through his mind as the kiss slows down after a little while and they’re finally just breathing in each other’s air with how they lay there with their lips still nearly touching.  
“Don’t … Don’t ever avoid me like that again, Dare.” Chris suddenly mumbles, breaking the silence for the first time after the kiss, “Just don’t, okay?”  
Darren can only nod at that, his mind reeling with what is happening right now and it’s enough for him to close the little space there is between them again and kiss Chris. His hand is softly cradling Chris’ cheek, thumb caressing slowly over the other’s cheekbone as Darren deepens the kiss. His stomach is fluttering excitedly, his previous mind set slowly dissipating into one of pure awe and astonishment at Chris and he can’t help but smile against Chris’ lips after a long while. It’s then though that Chris slightly leans back to look at Darren and asks,  
“Are you sure? I … This is … I mean, is this us?”  
“I am … I really am.” Darren answers instantly, all the while letting his fingers trail up and down over Chris’ skin wherever he can reach. He feels stupid now, running away earlier on and avoiding Chris for the remainder of their day. It might have been a spur of the moment thing when they were on stage but he doesn’t regret it, not one bit. It’s not something new either, from the day they met on set there had been an undeniable pull between both of them but neither guy had dared to cross that invisible line there was. And not only that, he had a girlfriend at that time but since it ended with a break quite amicably two months prior, the pull between them had turned into something deeper even if both guys tried to just ignore it. “I don’t know what … What’ll happen but I want … I want this, I want us.” Darren says in a hushed voice, looking at Chris in a way that can only be described as reverently and with fondness in his eyes.  
“Good …” Chris replies in the same kind of voice, “I … Good.” It’s all that’s been said right now, no more words needed as he closes the gap again between them and slightly pushes Darren on his back. There’s a heaviness between them, not a tense one but one full of anticipation as Chris looks down at Darren and hovers over him.  
Lowering his body on top of Darren’s, Chris groans heavily into Darren’s mouth when their cocks brush against each other through the thin layers of fabric of their boxers. Both of them, hardening instantly even more and Darren can’t stop his hands from wandering, splaying them on Chris’ ass as he pulls him even tighter against himself. Moaning wantonly, he bucks his hips up as much as he can and Chris starts rolling his own down.

“Fuck!” Chris mumbles as he breaks the kiss in favor of looking into Darren’s eyes, filled with want and so much more as he keeps moving down. Any thought of how this might be too fast has flown out of his mind the moment their cocks connected and the only thing that goes through his mind is that this feels too good to stop. He realizes though that this will be over way too fast but looking at Darren, Chris knows that he’s not the only one thinking the same.  
“I want to …” Chris whispers, kissing him again before adding, “I want to touch you … Let me?”  
“God yes!” Darren groans out as he pulls him down again by laying his hand on the back of Chris’ neck, crashing their lips together again. Chris’ hand snakes between their bodies, fumbling a little but finally managing to push Darren’s boxers down before his fingers circle around his cock. A loud moan escapes Darren’s mouth as he tips his head back in his pillow, breaking the kiss, before he looks back at Chris through lidded eyes as he trails his fingers underneath waistband of Chris’ underwear and pushing it down too. Chris is starting to stroke him roughly, his own breath coming out harshly when Darren does the same to him the moment he lifts his hips a bit. They’re both panting, eyes locked as they move their hands in sync with each other. There are no other thoughts than how perfect and good this feels, being here, getting each other off and the hope of a lot more is more than evident in both guys’ eyes. It doesn’t take too long for Darren to tip over the edge, coming over his own stomach with a loud groan and a curse and the sound alone is enough for Chris to find his release too, spilling over Darren’s stomach too albeit a bit more quietly.

He slumps down, arm not holding his weight anymore and falls on top of Darren with a soft groan as he feels the latter’s arms instantly snake around his waist to hold him where he is. They’re both still out of breath, heart thudding rapidly in their chests as they just look at each other for a long while. It’s Darren though that eventually breaks the silence with a soft huff but a lazy smile on his lips, “Well that was over embarrassingly fast.”  
Lifting up an eyebrow as he stares at Darren for a moment, Chris says in his best haughty way he manage giving the circumstances, “Thanks, you really know how to compliment a guy, don’t you?” But he regrets his words immediately when he notices Darren’s face fall and his eyes widen as he starts to ramble, “Oh fuck, I’m … Shit, I didn’t mean … I just meant me and not … You were great, perfect even and … Fuck, I’m sorry, my big mouth …”  
So Chris just leans in and silences Darren once more with his lips, kissing him softly and feeling him relax underneath him again in an instant.  
“I know you didn’t mean it like that, but trust me … I do feel the same.” Chris grins slightly now that he lifts his head back up. “So this … This is really happening, right? We … We are happening for real?” he ends up asking hesitatingly, still fearing that Darren will pull the rug from underneath him and leave him just alone again after this.  
Sighing softly, Darren reaches up and pushes a strand of hair back behind Chris’ ear before running his fingers through them. He realizes that Chris might have his doubts with him, given his previous relationships but he wants to make sure that he knows how much he actually means to him.  
“Chris … I … We are, if you want to too. I know what you think … But Mia and me, we’re through, we really are and … I … I like you. A lot and … I want us to work. God, I do want this … Us to be happening so badly.” Darren says, his eyes filled with sincerity and hope and something that Chris isn’t really ready for to acknowledge for real.  
“Okay …” Chris breathes out, “Okay.” and without much more, he snuggles down into Darren’s embrace, not caring for the mess between them and the fact that their boxers are still only half on. He just closes his eyes and breathes in deeply, falling asleep rather fast with the sound of Darren’s heartbeat underneath his ear, the other following suit quickly with his arms still tightly wrapped around Chris.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**_ PRESENT _ **

It’s during giving autographs and talking to the fans outside the theatre that Darren’s breath gets caught when a picture of him and Chris is shoved under his nose. It might be just one from the season 5 shoot but he can’t help the little intake of breath when he sees it. His eyes stay glued on the picture in his hands now, barely registering what the girl who gave it to him is saying and an involuntary smile plays on his lips. It’s almost absentmindedly that he signs the picture and if he holds on to it a little bit longer, fingers slightly clutching it before handing it back to the girl, well so be it. He gets pulled out of his reverie though suddenly when a flash goes off in front of him and he’s momentarily shocked back into reality. He plasters the same old smile as ever on his face and goes on with talking to his fans and handing out photographs but for the first time in a long while, he’d rather just go inside and slump down in a corner. He can’t help it, he misses him … And no matter how many days pass and he doesn’t see him, the feeling won’t stop but only gets worse and worse every single passing day.

 

**_LATE SEPTEMBER 2011_**  

“And that’s a wrap guys! Take your time … We’re all done for the day.”   
Darren is barely registering that the shooting of their scenes is done, his eyes still on Chris’ as he turns his face from up his shoulder. It isn’t until Chris quietly chuckles and lets his fingers run over his side that he really notices the bustling around them from the crew that’s starting to pack up and are talking amongst each other.  
“What are you laughing about?” Darren asks, feigning being offended but not really succeeding at it since he can’t hold back his own smile.  
“You …” Chris answers, “You were really out of here for a moment, weren’t you?” Not that he can blame Darren, he himself has been more into it than simple on screen boyfriends who are apparently just friends to the outside world, should be. Shaking off that thought though, Chris sighs softly and adds,   
“We really do need to get up, Darren. People are waiting to clean up and I need my own clothes now too.”  
With an exaggerated sigh, Darren pushes himself up as he refrains himself from kissing Chris and gets up off the bed, turning to watch Chris do the same before they head off set to their trailers. At least, to one of their trailers where they both ended up in that morning when they arrived. From the moment they returned after Dublin and had to be back on set, there has been an unspoken arrangement that they would just share their trailers, not really wanting to stray too far away from one another. When they make their way inside, Darren plops down on the couch instantly, looking up at Chris with wide eyes.   
“You know … Today was … I don’t know, it felt weird … but good weird to be able to act that part of Klaine out, you know.”  
“I noticed how good you felt about acting that whole scene out.” Chris chuckles and is immediately rewarded with a pillow thrown at him. He ducks to the side to avoid it and lunges forward for Darren, his legs planted over Darren’s thighs so he’s straddling him.   
“I really could feel it …” he breathes out before kissing Darren hard and leaning back again, looking at him seriously and intently.   
Now just opening his eyes again, Darren looks back a little confused at the sudden stop and asks,   
“What? Why are you looking at me like that again?”

It’s with a small sigh and his shoulders slumping a bit that Chris keeps his eyes on Darren before saying,   
“Have you … Are you completely sure about all this because …” He worries his lower lip for a moment in thought, not really wanting to voice his thoughts but needing to have the reassurance anyway.   
“We never really talked about it that much? I mean … I know things needed to be a bit in the background with us but … I’m kind of feeling, I don’t know … scared that … That we’ll always have to hide us. I don’t … I can’t keep hiding this.”  
Darren knows exactly what he’s talking about, he knows it’s his fault that Chris is having these thoughts but he’s not completely sure how to deal with all the backlash that involves them right now. He’s just over that verge of getting out his name and it may seem like a stupid thing to do when he’s so well known for his alliance with the LGBT community but outright stating for him to have a relationship with Chris, it’s too much for now. Hell, he never really said anything about his previous girlfriend either, and that had been something for much longer than that Chris and him are actually a thing. He sits back a bit more, his eyes fixed on Chris’ too and he cradles the other’s face into his hands.  
“I know, babe. I know you can’t and this won’t be forever, I promise. I just … Things have been so weird lately, a good kind of weird but still … I never really made a statement of who I was dating before and I … I don’t want it to become a statement either. Can’t we just … See how things go and let them move naturally. I l… I am not hiding you or lying about how I feel, Chris. I really am not I just …” he sighs as he lets his thumbs caress Chris’ cheekbones gently, his eyes wide and pleading for him to understand and really be okay.  
Chris closes his eyes for a second though now, just breathing in deeply before opening them again and laying his hands over Darren’s on his face.   
“Okay, okay … I’m just … You know me, I just worry too much … Yeah, I know, we should just … we’re still so new like this, I …” he sighs softly and leans forward again, whispering,   
“I know, Dare.” It’s all he says again now before kissing Darren softly again, letting his own anxious and scared feeling dissipate with every second their lips are connected.

Days later, they’re able to have a first view of how the episode will be showing their scenes and Darren eagerly all but pulled Chris along with him in his enthusiasm to see them. They pass Naya and Kevin on set standing in the McKinley hallways but Darren doesn’t really notice them, even though Chris does especially when Naya shouts after them,   
“Wow Chris, never thought you’d be so eager to see yourself in action like that. But then again, with a boyfriend like that …” A snicker escapes her lips, joined only a beat later by Kevin before they turn to look at the sheets they’re given just then. But it makes Chris stop in his tracks for a moment, pulling Darren to halt who looks back at him questioningly.  
“Did she really just …? I thought …” Chris hisses at Darren with a vehement shake of his head. “Do they all know?”  
Darren just shrugs as Naya’s shout sinks in and he finally figures out what Chris is talking about, and although they never announced it to any of their fellow cast members except the few they were both really close with.   
“Okay? Is that really a problem … I mean, when I kissed you in Dublin they all gave me some certified knowing looks so I guess they must’ve already figured things out even before we did and well … I know I didn’t want to broadcast it, it’s not like they would call the first gossip magazine they can get a hold of to let them know. They’re our friends, they wouldn’t do that.”  
“Yeah, maybe …” Chris answers a bit unsurely looking around him and suddenly feeling slightly uncomfortable having this conversation in the middle of set even if there really isn’t anyone around on this part of set.  
“Don’t worry, babe. They’ve got our backs too, just give them … and us a little bit of trust, okay? Now come on, I wanna go see how much exactly they’re gonna show of our awesome scene. I tell you, ours is going to be a lot better than Lea and Cory’s, but shhhh, don’t tell them I said that.” He smiles brightly up at Chris who can’t help but roll his eyes as Darren adds,   
“Nah, just kidding, I bet they’re just as awesome as us.” And with that he ends Chris’ worrying and just pulls him along again.

 

**_ PRESENT _ **

He closes the door behind him after retrieving his bag from his dressing room and slumps against it for a moment. Rebecca passes him on her way out and stops when she sees his expression.   
“You okay there, sweets? You’re looking kind of pale.” she asks him as she fully takes in his expression too.  
Darren just shakes his head before looking at her, her description of him letting his mind go in overdrive once more as the comparison to what Chris always said he was sinks in.   
“Yeah, I’ll … I’ll be fine, I guess the hours and effort here is really starting to get to me but I’ll be okay again tomorrow. She’ll stand there on stage like her usual self, don’t worry.” he tries to turn the attention of off him with a joke but by the look Rebecca is giving him, he’s pretty sure it’s not working, not with her at least.   
Darren runs his hand over his face as he groans softly, cursing himself for not able to hide his own feelings better, before he adds,   
“No seriously, just tired and all that shit. I’m just gonna head off and get some rest. I’ll be okay.”   
She doesn’t really look like she trusts it all completely but after another second of just looking at him, Rebecca sighs softly and nods,   
“Okay, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then. Just … get some rest. Night, Darren.” She walks away, glancing over her shoulder a few times before she disappears through the door and Darren’s alone again.   
He pushes himself off the door and pulls his bag a bit tighter over his shoulder as he walks the same way Rebecca went.   
“This has to stop …” he mumbles to himself, “I just have to … Fuck.” Darren opens the outer door and steps outside in the already fairly chill air, hoping he can clear his mind a little bit more before he crawls into bed later on.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**_ PRESENT _ **

It hasn’t really happened yet, until tonight, Darren almost fumbles through a few lines at the end of Hedwig’s Lament before Exquisite Corpse starts, when his mind unwillingly goes to a few years back as he saw Chris rushing away from him and leaving him with tears in his eyes at the ice cold feeling he got over him after Chris’ words. But he goes on in his performance, lets his tears fall during the heavy beat and words throughout the song and knowing that no one will really notice it. As soon as he’s back in place on stage to start the next part, Darren’s tears have been wiped off even if he can feel them already welling up again but he puts his everything in the songs again. He’s able to hold it until they’re through completely done and he can hurry back to his dressing room, for the first time just simply locking it and not planning on letting anyone come to him there tonight.

 

**_ AUGUST 2012 _ **

Walking through Battery Park, Darren isn’t really completely with his thoughts where he should be. He knows where and when he has to recite his lines and how to make it look all real but he can’t help but let his mind wander to a conversation he knows isn’t going to end well, although he sure hopes his fears won’t come true.   
It’s heartbreaking for himself to say that Blaine cheated on Kurt, the tears that start to well up in his eyes feeling very real with his own feelings rushing through him. When Chris playing Kurt runs off into the distance behind the screen that’s put up there, he has to take a deep breath, realizing that he would never want to hurt the guy he loves like that. And he chokes for a second, they said they love each other before but now the realization suddenly sets in how much he really does love him and doesn’t even want to think of a future without him. But he battles through it without Chris noticing, makes sure that no one is any wiser and laughs and jokes with Chris and the rest that is there filming. At some point he moves to the fans waiting and filming at the edge of the field of grass where they’re filming and tries his best to act his usual self around them. One thing he can’t stop even if he wanted to is touching and staying near Chris, they don’t require to stay attached to the hip like that at every single moment between shooting but that means nothing to Darren. He needs the closeness, always been the one that craves it a lot more than Chris does but he always lets him without questioning and only reciprocating in the same way.

Filming is done and Darren lets himself fall on a bench to the side next to Lea when Chris is still talking to Cory a little bit further away. She looks at him, cocks an eyebrow and then quietly asks, “You okay, Darren? You seem a little bit out of it right now? It takes quite a lot out of you a scene like this, doesn’t it? I know … Having Cory walk away from me, it broke my heart, feeling as if he was just really walking away from me, you know?”  
“Yeah …” he breathes out as he shuffles a bit closer and leans his head on her shoulder, “We did practice this, you know but … It never felt so weird to say these lines as they did now. But well, we got through them, and I think they’re happy with it. I do love this song and I am so happy we all got to do this one even if the reason isn’t one of my favorite storylines. But hey, everything for the sake of good acting, right? Even if it leaves me emotionally drained for one reason or the other.”  
Lea chuckles at that and meanwhile waves shortly at Cory who glances over at the both of them, “True, I have to agree on that … But still, I’ll be glad to head back to our hotel and just … relax.”  
A smirk is now on Darren’s lips as he looks up at Lea who instantly blushes at his gaze, “Relax, huh? Oh yeah, I’m sure you two will be as relaxed as I know, Chris and me will be.” He now laughs out loud at noticing Lea’s blush and bumps her shoulder softly, “Thank goodness we don’t have rooms right next to each other though.” He adds it with a wink before pushing himself up off the bench and strolls to where Chris is now walking up to him next to Cory.

“Hey stranger.” Chris greets Darren the moment he stops in front of him as Cory walks further towards where Lea is still sitting on the bench.  
Most of the fans that have been hanging around are already gone but there are a few still lingering in the corner of his eyes.   
“Hey, yourself. Ready to go to the hotel? I really need to … Unwind.” Darren mumbles, letting his fingers trail fleetingly over Chris’ arm before retracting them and wrapping his arms around his own waist.  
Chris glances at his surroundings shortly and then lets his gaze stay on Darren for what seems a long time before he nods shortly and gestures to where he knows their cars are waiting. He knows they can go already, them not really being needed around anymore and says, “Come on then, let’s go.”  
He doesn’t miss the way Darren’s smile falters with every passing moment though, but refrains from asking it, figuring Darren will talk soon enough when he’s ready and knowing him they won’t even be inside their room or he’ll already know all about what seems to be bothering his boyfriend.  
But it doesn’t happen, Darren says nothing that even indicates him having an issue or anything and Chris doesn’t mention it, both falling into bed and asleep within minutes, all wrapped up in each other.

They only have one day and a half left in New York, tonight filming the bar scene where Darren will play his acoustic version of Teenage Dream. And he dreads it, dreads the moment he really has to start and sing because he knows though even if it isn’t bad for their storyline, he’d definitely start crying the moment he looks at Chris.  
That day seems to last an eternity but when they finally get their call that shooting is about to start, he feels nervous and anxious to get it over with. So when he takes his place behind the piano, Darren takes in a deep breath before he goes through his lines that are preceding the song. But doing the song itself is even harder than he imagined it would be, one glance towards Chris and seeing, even though he’s still in character, confusion and worry into his eyes is enough for Darren to start to tear up too when he sings the lines with even more emotion than before. After the first two takes, Chris suddenly jumps up out of his seat and heads outside in a hurry, Darren looking after him from where he’s sitting on the piano bench with sad look. He wants to run up and follow him, but he’s not sure if he can really though when the director calls instantly for a break for everyone he rushes up and outside. He’s practically running to where their trailers are but catches Chris when he comes back out, still with tear tracks on his face and wetness pooling in his eyes.   
As he looks up and sees Darren suddenly in front of him, Chris smiles a bit sadly with a choked off laugh as he tries to hide the tears. Darren on the other hand steps in close into his space and cradles his boyfriend’s face between his hands, foreheads pressed together with closed eyes for a moment.  
“Please don’t cry? Chris, …” he says, probably too loud to not be heard but he doesn’t really care at that moment, “Don’t, please. You know … If you cry, I cry and … I can’t see you cry.” His voice breaks with those last few words and he has to hold himself in to not just kiss him right here and now, knowing there are too many fans around with cameras.   
“It’s okay … I’m okay.” Chris replies quietly and his smile is indeed looking a bit more genuine than before. “Thank you … You … It was just a bit too much, I … With yesterday and all and …”  
“Chris, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I know … I really know.” Darren says, feeling guilty about not having told Chris yesterday what he planned on doing but pushing those thoughts away.   
“Okay, let’s get back, okay … I’m okay.” Chris takes in a deep breath as Darren pulls back and keeps his eyes on him for another long moment until they both walk back to where they need to be, getting through the scene, not without tears but at least without any more hiccups.

It’s 1 am and both Chris and Darren finally make their way into their hotel room, the first falling face first on to the bed with a loud groan before reluctantly pushing himself back up. He looks at Darren who’s still standing in the middle of the room looking at his phone, and tilts his head slightly to the side in question at the undecipherable expression on his face.   
When Darren doesn’t even seem to realize he’s been watched and drops his phone back to his side with his eyes closed, Chris stands up feeling more and more uneasy with every passing second.   
“Okay Darren, what the hell is going on with you?” he asks as he comes closer, “You’ve been acting weird yesterday too and now today … I don’t know, I may have been more emotional too but … I don’t know, there’s something off and it’s eating me alive not knowing what is going on inside your head. I usually can see right through you but now … I don’t know.”

He didn’t even notice Chris coming up to him, so Darren startles a little as he looks up at his boyfriend wide eyed. He opens his mouth, planning on saying something but nothing comes out and he swallows hard a few times before he’s finally able to find his voice again.  
“Chris, I … Shit, I don’t know how to … Fuck, I never … I didn’t…” he stutters as he shakes his head and Chris is quick to interrupt. “Darren, what do you mean? Just … You’re scaring me, what is going on?” Chris isn’t sure what to think now anymore, the way Darren is acting doesn’t predict anything good but he still holds on to the hope that it can’t be that bad and that it is just Darren who’s being his silly self.   
Darren looks at his phone in hand for another moment and then back up at Chris with sudden tears again in his eyes. “I didn’t want to do this … I never asked for this, baby. You have to believe me, I … Shit, I’m not making any sense but … I didn’t do what Blaine did, if that’s what you’re thinking, I won’t … I couldn’t.”   
“Okay, now you are freaking me out, Darren!” Chris shakes his head, voice rising slightly out of its own accord.

Without really taking in thought that they’re standing in the middle of the room, still half dressed with their coats on and all, Darren sighs shakily before he starts again,  
“Remember I had that meeting the day before yesterday? With my management and … It … They shoved my contract under my nose again and … I didn’t really have a choice if I want to … I need this contract to do … To get to where I want, I … Fuck, I don’t want this but … I really don’t, Chris. You have to believe me, I love you … I love you so much and … I can’t lose you, I don’t …”  
Chris had been looking at Darren the entire time, his stomach slowly getting into knots and his confusion slightly turning into impatience as he snaps,   
“Darren, just spit it out, okay? Goddamnit, stop stalling and say what you have to say.”  
Darren stops breathing for a moment, blinking furiously as he tries to keep his tears at bay and swallows hard again to try to get rid of that lump that had formed in his throat. He wants to reach out and takes Chris’ hand, but he knows that he’ll only get rejected like this because he can clearly see the shift in emotions with Chris and it makes him dread even more what he has to say.  
“You know how me and Mia still hang out sometimes and you’re okay with that, right?” he asks, feeling a tiny bit of relief when he sees the tense nod Chris gives him. “Well, they … I didn’t mean for this but they … they don’t think it’s … Goddamnit, I don’t know … They don’t think it’s opportune for me to come out. Which is stupid cause I have nothing to come out of really because I’ve never been one to simply look at the gender but … But they don’t think I should … They want me to let it seem like me and Mia … Like we’re a couple again and fuck, I like her but I don’t want to be in a relationship with her! I love you for crying out loud but I have to … They already have her under contract and I … I … I signed mine but … I don’t want to lose you.” Darren ends his tirade with his last words sounding utterly broken and defeated but Chris can’t or won’t even hear it like that.   
He can’t believe that Darren is actually doing this and after the months of hiding and being careful not to give anything away, he’s done. He takes a step back, anger building up inside of him as his eyes are boring into Darren with a coldness he never experienced before. Here is the boy he loved, wanted to be with for eternity for all he cared and he’s so carelessly throwing that away just for the sake of his career. The one thing he has always dreaded is now coming true and he doesn’t know how to handle it.  
“I fucking … I should’ve known. Fuck you, Darren! You don’t love me, apparently never have if you’re not even willing to fight this, to fight for us!” He now starts to yell, not even caring that any of the surrounding rooms might hear him loud and clear. “Fuck this, I’m not doing this! You knew this was the one thing that I could never overlook and I hoped you felt the same. You fucking told me you felt the same and still … Go on, you won’t even need to pretend anymore, Darren. Go back to Mia, marry her for all I care … I don’t give a shit anymore, we’re done! This is … Shit! Fuck you!” Chris turns and grabs his bag that is still laying on the floor with most of his stuff inside and rushes towards the bathroom to get his stuff and throws it into the bag along with the few clothes that were hanging on a chair near the bed. He’s got tears in his eyes, ready to spill out but he wills them back, not wanting to let Darren see how upset and hurt he really is underneath his anger. Without sparing Darren another glance he runs passed him and out of the hotel room, slumping in the elevator when he gets into it before breaking down shortly, needing to get his act together rather quickly as the elevator stops on the first floor and someone walks in. He doesn’t really succeed as he notices the woman standing there looking at him with a mix of discomfort and pity, but holds himself together as he walks back out of it on the ground floor to go and see if he can arrange a room for himself in the lobby.

Darren in the meantime though is still rooted to the spot in the middle of their hotel room, eyes wide as saucers as they are trained on the door, seemingly expecting Chris to walk back inside with forgiveness ready for him. He doesn’t know how long he’s standing there but when his legs are trembling too badly for him to hold himself up anymore, Darren falls on his knees and drops himself in fetal position on the floor as the tears run down his face and sobs escape his lips.

 

**_ PRESENT _ **

He hears the knocks on his dressing room, his manager’s voice sounding through the door as he tries to open it but fails since Darren has left the key on the inside in the lock. Darren is laying with his head on his arms on his vanity, eyes wet with tears and quiet sobs coming from his lips all the while mumbling, “Just leave me alone for once.”   
His mind goes back to his opening night here and the obligatory pictures that were taken, Mia standing next to him in that ridiculous looking tight golden dress, having to kiss her and then feeling the shudder the moment she leaned back. How much he wanted it to be someone else standing there, kissing and hugging him and with him the only shudder that would run through him would be one of simple pleasure and love. But he had to try and suppress it, not let anyone notice but he knows that if anyone would even bother to really look at things, they would know better. She wasn’t even sitting with his parents and brother and sister in law, and isn’t that one thing that is the most normal thing to do, having your years long girlfriend sit by them, at least with normal couples it is. He can’t help but choke out a hoarse laugh when he thinks of it, thinks about how incredibly stupid his pr-team sometimes manages to be if they believe that no one will have noticed that, but then he hears a woman’s voice through the door again that has him perk up a little bit.   
He can hear her call out to him and say that she’s alone, that he shouldn’t worry but that she wants to see him and Darren finally does get up, wiping his eyes a bit before he opens the door and Rebecca steps inside.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**_ PRESENT _ **

After talking to Rebecca a few nights earlier, Darren has felt some kind of new vigor to keep going the way he’s been, at least when it comes to performing as Hedwig and to keep his head straight whenever there are fans or press around. His feelings, the longing and still so deeply rooted love he feels for his once boyfriend won’t go away but right now, he pulls from them, takes a lot of strength out of it for his performances and it works.   
He takes the questions fans have whether Mia was there or not for what they are and just answers them, knowing when she’s been planned to make a seemingly hidden appearance. Though at night, all alone in his too large bed, he lets his emotions get the best of him, sometimes holding his phone close, thumb already hovering over Chris’ name but never really pressing call.

 

**_ NOVEMBER 19th 2012 _ **

The last few months have been hard for Darren, without knowing that Chris is still by his side, he hardly manages to really function properly. Going to set on auto pilot, retracting himself a bit from whatever his co-stars have planned but he can’t care. He feels like a part of him has been ripped out of him the moment he saw Chris walking out of that hotel room with an ice cold expression. Whenever he has certain scenes with Chris or about Kurt, he hasn’t got any trouble at all to get Blaine’s emotions across, feeling the same heartbreak his character is feeling. It feels though like Chris hasn’t got the same issue at times, laughing and joking when he’s standing near Lea but coldly ignoring Darren whenever he is in his area. Chris doesn’t even spare him a glance on set even though he can see Lea talking to him quietly on more than one occasion when she keeps on glancing his way with a sad look. Darren tries to ignore it, only smiles at Lea before he turns so she can’t see his smile falter within seconds. It goes on and for the first time he’s happy with the break up story line, not needing to interact with Chris on a daily basis anymore because he knows he’s not going to be able to manage that.

When Halloween comes around, it’s the first time in years that he actually doesn’t want to celebrate it but he’s required by his contract to go out with Mia and it leaves a more than sour taste. For years they’ve been hanging out and goofing around, even after they broke up last year and it never felt like this to Darren, he never minded her around but now it’s a bit too much. Mia is all excited and happy that she’s able to parade around with him, being dressed up as Moonrise Kingdom’s Sam and Suzy, and doesn’t seem to take notice of his somber mood that has been getting worse and worse every day.   
He knows when they arrive at Matt’s party that Chris is around there somewhere but he manages to avoid him, even though it’s more than likely that Chris is actually avoiding him. After staying for a little over an hour, he excuses himself with Matt and goes to find Mia, who reluctantly and with a pout where he can’t do anything about but roll his eyes, get out of the party and head towards their car.

He’s nervously biting his nails, a habit he hadn’t had since he was a child when he waits at the Bryant Park skating rink for Chris to show up. He’s surprised that Chris is actually a little late but the crew doesn’t seem to mind as they are setting up everything and he sits on a bench to the side, clutching a cup of coffee between his hands to warm them slightly. It’s still fairly early in the day but the temperature has been dropping a lot the last few days so it’s the best he can get to get a bit more warmth inside of him for now. When Chris finally arrives, Darren dares to look up and is taken aback with how gorgeous he looks and seemingly at ease running through the crew and saying his hellos. When he’s done with that though, Chris turns, his eyes settling on Darren and he can almost see the shift behind them as he straightens up and hardens his eyes slightly. He walks towards Darren slowly, like he’s approaching a scared animal and Darren reckons he probably looks like one right now. As the other stops in front of him, Darren looks up and his first mistake is looking straight into his eyes, taking his breath away like they always do but he tries not to let it show as he stands up with a small smile on his face, not sure if it looks even real or not. 

He wants to say something but fails, opening his mouth for nothing to come out and when he tries again, Chris is quick to cut in,  
“Look, Darren … Let’s just go on with this day and get our job done. We’ll probably be filming more together again starting today so …” Chris sighs, running a hand over his face and it’s now that Darren can see the way he’s slightly trembling. “I’m still not … I mean, I am still angry at you … No, at what happened but …”  
“Chris, you have to know that I never …” Darren starts but gets stopped by Chris with a shake of his head and an almost inaudible, “Don’t, just don’t, please.”  
After another beat, Chris nods and adds, “Let’s just try to get through today, okay?”  
Darren nods, his somber and fearful mood lifting up instantly with Chris’ words and as soon as he wants to say something, they get called by Zach already standing on the ice and looking their way.

It takes hours and hours to even start filming, getting the extra’s in place and the camera’s just right for the takes they have to make. Chris and Darren have been skating around the rink for the last few hours already, both silently next to each other for the first few but without either of them really noticing it they’ve been talking and laughing increasingly more. It feels so normal, so easy to do this again, having Chris laugh at his jokes and stupid remarks during that time on the ice. He’s still acutely aware of the fans that are standing on the edge though, filming and taking pictures as they skate passed them. But he tries not to let his feelings show, doesn’t want everything splayed out on twitter or Tumblr because he knows what kind of backlash he’ll be getting when it comes to that.   
Chris is feeling quite a similar thing, he knows he shouldn’t let his heart flutter at the mere sound of Darren’s voice pointed at him, shouldn’t get absorbed into Darren again like this but he can’t help it, his mind seemingly overruling every other thought other than just being around Darren. He feels good for the first time in a lot of months, feels perfectly okay to talk and laugh with Darren, joking around until his sides hurt from laughing. Practicing his rounds, Chris stops with a cocked eyebrow as he sees Darren laying down on the mat in the middle of the rink and taking out his phone once more.   
“If you want to take my picture, all you gotta do is ask, Dare!” Chris chuckles and strikes a few poses.   
Darren laughs softly at the antics of Chris, surprised by how easy going he’s being right now given their circumstances and he can’t stop the flutter of hope inside of him from stirring again. He gets back up after a few moments, skating around Chris who’s still doing his best to stay on his feet the entire time and he pulls up his camera again to film Chris.  
“You’re getting better?” he asks, the smile obvious in his voice.  
“Oh, I’m getting much better.” Chris answers him, swinging his leg in front of him before chuckling.  
“Don’t jinx it …” Darren warns him as Chris comes to a stop in front of him.   
“Haha, very funny …” Chris rolls his eyes playfully before skating away from him.  
  
But when he’s standing on the ice, surrounded by Adam, Zach and Brooke and a few others and he suddenly wobbles a little bit, threatening to tip over, Darren is there holding his arms out to catch his upper arms if it should be necessary and as he looks up into the other’s eyes, he knows he’s crossing his own boundaries once more, something that only ever happens when it comes to Darren and he can’t decide if he should just let it happen or fight it.  
Darren sighs softly, seeing Chris close off just a tiny bit again but he doesn’t let his emotions show as he listens to what they’re supposed to do.  
Most of the song has been shot right now but they still have a little bit to do, both Darren and Chris are tired and sore from being on skates for this long but to lift up his own spirits mostly, Darren pulls up the camera once more.

“It’s currently 2.46 in the morning, Chris and I have been here for a while …” he starts, pointing the camera at Chris who comes skating right in front of it. The latter now back into a better mood than before and Darren has to admit that it’s kind of giving him a whiplash. But he keeps up, not letting it get to him so he continues, after Chris says while he looks straight into the lens, “Still going strong …”   
Darren turns the camera to his own face with a smile, those words stirring more in him that he cares to admit at this moment, “Still going strong, because ice skating is fun!”   
Shutting the camera off, he looks at Chris skating away again for a long while wanting to just run after him and ask him flat out what is going on, but he can’t because right at that moment, they get called again to shoot the rest of their scene and finally be done with it.  
Deadly tired and practically swaying on the skates he’s still wearing, Darren looks up surprised as Chris walks up to him with Adam in tow, announcing,  
“Come on Darren, one picture of the two of us … The fans are going to love it.”   
He looks from Chris to Adam, who’s already standing there with Chris’ phone in hand, and just nods without saying anything and turns a bit. He’s painfully aware though of the little distance Chris now leaves between them and he has to suppress the sigh that is threatening to escape his lips. But Adam is quick to take the picture and without much else Chris takes his phone back, smiles a little bit at Darren and then walks off and leaves Darren standing there on his own, feeling absolutely crestfallen.

He doesn’t see Chris at all again until the next day, waiting in their hotel lobby for their car to bring them back to the airport. Darren is going through his phone, looking at the pictures he took last night with a sad smile on his face and only now opening the twitter to find Chris’ tweet that actually tagged him which makes him smile a bit brighter now so he doesn’t even notice when Chris drops into the chair next to him until he clears his throat.   
Startled, he looks up, almost dropping his phone in his lap as he does so, and can’t say anything but a quiet, “Hi.”  
Chris is looking at him intently, apparently not sure what to say but then he blurts out in a rush, “I’m seeing someone. For a little while now already, we’ve met through Ash.”  
That leaves Darren staring at Chris with his mouth slightly opened, feeling like he’s been hit with a bucket of ice cold water and there nothing more he can do than just nod, feeling his eyes well up with tears and rushing up, picking up his bag and practically running out of the hotel lobby to stand outside and wait for the car to come. He doesn’t know what to say, what to do, hearing Chris say that giving him a sudden sense of finality even though he knew deep down that it was already final the moment Chris had rushed out of their hotel room all those months ago.

 

**_ PRESENT _ **

Now sitting in his dressing room once more, the show being done for tonight, instead of actually calling Chris, he’s not even sure he would pick up even though they both have been increasingly more in contact before Glee had ended, Darren closes his contact list and moves to his picture folder. He opens it and quickly scans to where he knows their pictures are, opening one of the two Adam took of them and just keeps looking at it for a while until his door flies open with a bang and Mia barges in with a roll of her eyes.  
“Don’t tell me you’re seriously looking through those pictures again. Babe, we are supposed to be a couple … That …” she says as she points almost accusingly at his phone, “Has been over a long time so … come on, there are some photographers who’re waiting to get some pics of us outside the door. Man up a bit and smile so I can let them inside.”  
“Don’t … For the love of god, just don’t Mia!” Darren snaps looking up at her, “You are seriously giving me more and more reason to just blow this all off without caring anymore. We are not really a couple, never will be again, okay? You have already made sure of that.”  
She knows perfectly well why he wouldn’t even consider dating her for real anymore even if Chris wouldn’t be the one occupying his mind all the time. He can see it in her eyes and the way her jaw snaps shut while she goes for a tight smile, that she’s more than aware of her position.  
“Fine … Be that way, just remember that you’re still pining for him pathetically while he’s been getting some with that boyfriend of his on regular basis.” she retorts venomously while she flips her hair over her shoulder and walks towards the door again.   
It stings, hearing her say that and he knows she knows that but Darren tries to blink the hurt away and muster up a smile to get through this once more.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**_ PRESENT _ **

Having had words with Mia a few days prior still leaves a sour taste with Darren, her last ones about Chris cutting open the wound again and letting him remember that he has actually lost him to someone else. It’s true what he said to her, he has been getting more and more tired of the whole charade, not even really being able to muster up a genuine smile whenever she’s near.  
He’s standing outside once more, just like every night signing playbills and whatever people want to be signed, when a girl asks him quietly,   
“Has Chris been to see you already? Now that he’s here in New York?”  
Looking up startled at the girl, he breathes in sharply before he shrugs and says, sounding a bit absent, “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe he did and no one knows about it, he’s kind of a ninja like that, you know.” He adds a wink to the girl as he quickly signs her Blaine picture she’s holding before going to the next girl so she wouldn’t question him further. He wants to go back inside, call Chris and hear him even if it was for just a moment. Finding out that he was in New York and Darren still hadn’t heard anything from him, hurts even more. The fact that a lot of his friends hadn’t even been here was bad enough even if he knew they’d probably show up at some point, he could live with that. Chris on the other hand, he was a whole other issue.

 

**_ AUGUST 23d 2013 _ **

It’s been a little over a month since he’s been back, back in LA, back to filming and back to being near Chris even if it’s even more strained now than it ever was before. He’s professional enough to not let it get in the way of his acting and just do what they have to. Although, nothing’s the way it should be right now. Having been on a flight when the news of Cory’s death reached him was awful, he didn’t have clue really how to deal with it up in the air like that and getting out of the plane was even more stressful with the paparazzi already waiting for him and firing off questions about Cory.

But since then, things have been relatively calm, no one is really bothering either of the cast too much except for people asking what’s going to happen with the show. They had their meeting in memory of Cory, been together for a few times and the proximity of their friends had made the burden a little lighter to bear but except an awkward hug and a few consoling words neither Darren or Chris had been searching each other out in particular. It killed him, not to be able to just walk up to Chris and hold him tightly, kiss his pain away and let him tremble and cry in his arms. He doesn’t try to think too much about the fact that there is someone else who probably knows exactly how to do that by now, knows how a soft lingering kiss to Chris’ lips can calm him down just enough to let him talk about how he feels, knows that the run of his fingers over Chris’ spine will have the same effect and combined it’ll make Chris completely relax into his arms.   
He’s met the other guy a few times fleetingly, giving him a polite hello before moving on to any of their other cast mates so he doesn’t have to see the way Chris and his hands are entwined. He doesn’t know him really, and has no intention of doing that anyway and if he seems to notice Chris’ expression fall and hurt cross his face when he just turns away, Darren doesn’t let it show and just moves on.

Filming Blaine’s proposal and the previous courtyard scene had been a relief if he’s honest to himself, knowing that he could get lost in his persona and just act happy and in love with Chris’ Kurt. And Chris hadn’t been anything but professional, acting all happy and smitten by Blaine and even joking around when they had their kissing scenes but ending it immediately as they walked off set, back to his boyfriend Darren guesses with a serious sting to his heart. Mia is there too though, but he can’t do anything else than just pass her without even acknowledging her before he locks himself up in his trailer, trying to compose himself enough for his next scene.

He’s been dreading today, these days that had passed too but this one the most and he knows everyone is feeling exactly the same way. They filmed everyone’s performance in tribute to Cory except for Lea’s and he’s not sure if he’s really going to be able to endure it, though he knows he has to, if not for himself for Lea herself, trying to give her the courage to go on like every single one of them will be doing today. Darren hasn’t even really had the chance to talk to Chris, now that he’s finally on his own on set without someone else almost joined to his hip and it still feels like he’s avoiding Darren so it’s only now that they’re gathered to shoot Lea’s _‘Make you feel my love’_ , he sees him.  
Even with all the awkwardness surrounding the two of them because of their past, Darren doesn’t hesitate to step up to him and take Chris’ hand in his own. He squeezes it gently as he cocks his head a bit to lock their gazes and Chris doesn’t pull away, doesn’t do anything except give him a sad smile which makes his lower lip tremble and Darren has to fight the urge to just cradle his cheek and kiss him.   
“How are you holding up? Is there anything I can do?” Darren asks, eyes instantly misting over with the way Chris is looking at him now.  
Shaking his head, Chris glances to the side for a moment, eyes settling on Lea in the far corner talking to Ryan, and then back at Darren as he says, voice hoarse and quiet,  
“Nothing you can do, Dare. There’s just … Nothing, right?”   
“I can be here for you … I want to be here, let me … please?” Darren asks quietly, knowing that he’s talking so quietly that only Chris is able to hear him.  
Chris’ eyes widen for only a second before he nods and doesn’t say anything else, but the vice like grip he has on Darren’s hand is more than telling.

They get ushered to their places before anything happens, and Darren is sitting with a little space between him and Chris on his left side. He can’t stop glancing over at him, knowing how heartbroken he is after having to shoot his earlier scene with Mike and Romy. Darren can only imagine how this must be for everyone in the room, he knows how sad he is himself, but these guys all had almost two years extra on him with Cory and he can’t help but think that their bond is just that stronger because of it. They’re all ushered into silence after a few minutes more and Lea then steps up into the middle of the room, the music already starting.  
Darren keeps his eyes on her, knowing that if he lets himself think even for a second he’s already going to be a crying mess within moments. He struggles through it, but sensing more than feeling Chord behind him falling into Naya’s arms, is making it all the more difficult for him to hold up his brave face. Darren dares to look beside him, not able to look straight at Lea anymore at the moment and sees Chris trying but failing to stop his tears from falling. He silently moves his chair a bit closer and grabs Chris’ hand right at the moment that Chris seems to lose his battle with his tears and his own are starting to fall down more prominently too. When the other looks back up at him, looking sadly into his eyes Darren’s resolve breaks entirely and he holds Chris’ hand a bit tighter, telling him wordlessly that he’s right there for him.

No one is talking when Lea finishes the song and practically flees out of the choir room set, everyone just letting her go and trying to gather their own minds together before one by one they slowly start to leave too. It takes him a little while to be really able to move and when Darren does, already pushing himself up out of his chair, he gets tugged back by Chris who is still holding onto him tightly.  
“Stay with me?” Chris croaks out, breathing shakily and trembling all over, “Please?”  
And he can’t say no, not after today and not after all they’ve been through together already, so Darren nods but does get up, coaxing Chris to do the same. When he finally gets up too, Darren leads them both out of the studio and straight to Chris’ trailer, knowing the latter will be much more comfortable there than in his.

They don’t speak much the entire time Darren’s there though, he just holds Chris as he cries onto his shoulder and tries his best to calm and sooth him. Darren’s not even sure if he can do more, wanting to run his fingers down Chris’ cheek and into his hair, kiss him softly until he’s calmed down enough but he doesn’t, not knowing if it wouldn’t just make things worse right now.  
Darren hasn’t paid any attention to the time they’ve been there, all bundled up together on the couch in Chris’ trailer until a loud knock suddenly sounds from the door and Chris practically jumps out of his embrace.   
“Babe, you in here?” someone asks in a slightly raised voice and Chris is suddenly blushing furiously as he looks at Darren and shouts back,   
“Yeah, I’ll be right out.”  
Darren feels like he’s slapped into reality again and starts to open his mouth to say something but gets interrupted by Chris raising his hand and shaking his head furiously.  
“No don’t …” he whispers, frantically grabbing his stuff from around the trailer and already heading towards the door. He looks back at Darren still sitting stunned on the couch and then adds, “I’m … I’ll see you.” It’s with a stutter that he lets those words fall from his lips before he swiftly opens the door and rushes out, letting the door close with a loud thump behind him and leaving Darren alone in his trailer.  
Sitting there, eyes stinging with tears for a completely different reason than they started, Darren remains right on the spot that he jumped up on when the door slammed closed.

It might be seconds or minutes that he’s standing there, rooted to the spot when he gets pulled out of his daze by his phone alerting him he’s got a text coming in. With shaky hands he pulls his phone out of his pants and opens the message, a sob escaping his lips when he reads it.

**_“I’m sorry … Thank you for keeping me sane today but … That shouldn’t have happened. I can’t do that anymore, we can’t. I’m sorry. Chris”_ **

 

**__ **

 


	6. Chapter 6

**_ PRESENT _ **

Dressed and ready to go except for grabbing his stuff and putting on his jacket, Darren startles out of his thoughts by a loud knocking on his door accompanied by his phone suddenly ringing insistently. He looks at his watch, figuring he’s got about fifteen minutes before he really has to leave to be on time and glances at his phone. With an almost scowl he presses deny and goes to open the door, only to be met with the previous caller on his phone.  
He sighs heavily, running a hand over his face as he snaps at the woman standing in front of him, “What the hell are you doing here, Mia? I’m about to leave.”  
“Oh I know,” she practically purrs at him as she steps passed him and enters his small living area. “Since you didn’t pick up my calls earlier on and I had nothing special to do today, I thought I’d join you. Would be a good thing for you to be seen in public with your girlfriend for a change.” She turns on her heels and cocks a hip, hand posed in her side and her head slightly tilted to the side as she smiles at him too sweetly.  
“You are not my girlfriend.” Darren gets out, his voice strained obviously trying not to raise his voice at her. “I really haven’t got the time for this right now, and I am expected alone so … If you don’t mind.”  
He gestures back towards the door, indicating for her to get the hint and get back out but obviously she doesn’t. Taking a step closer towards him, Mia lets her hand run over Darren’s chest and looks at him through her eyelashes, “I do actually, you know it’s not only me who says we need to go out in public more. I’m the least of your worries.”   
“Just get your claws off me and go, okay? I’m expected alone ...” Darren mumbles through gritted teeth as he takes her wrist and pulls her hand away from him. “I’m going to grab my stuff and I want you out of here by the time I’m back here, alright. I don’t want you trailing me around, okay.” He tries to stay polite, tries not to just yell in her face but he knows that won’t do any good either so he just steps around her and disappears into his bedroom, throwing on his jacket and taking his phone, keys and wallet. Stepping out the bedroom now, he sees her sitting on the small couch and groans, “Get out, okay! Just get out … You’re not coming with me, find someone else to tag along with.”   
With a roll of her eyes, she breathes out slowly as he gets up and smiles that same overly sweet smile at him. “I guess so then, … But I know a few who aren’t going to be happy with this.” Mia almost singsongs as she passes him and lets her fingers trail down his arm before stepping out of the door again and leaving him behind, shouting through the open door,   
“I really couldn’t give a shit anymore, Mia! I don’t fucking care!”

 

**_ FEBRUARY 2014 _ **

He’s sweating, aching over his entire body and not in a good way when Darren takes another bottle of water out of the little fridge at the side of the practice room. They’ve been practicing for a long while now and it’s starting to get to him. Only a few days prior, Chris and him had a rather big fall out and all because something as stupid as Darren fumbling twice over his words. He doesn’t really like the way they have to portray their characters at the moment even though he knows both Chris and he had been asking to change them up a bit. But this feels so weird to do that Darren sometimes has trouble to really get through his lines. He’s thankful though that it wasn’t in any of the emotional scenes that he knows are around the corner and that it was in one where he knows there wasn’t even any need to mask Chris’ annoyance at him.   
He ended up shouting at Chris in the middle of the studio that he could go fuck himself and not to step foot in his proximity for a long while. He completely missed the way Chris suddenly cringed and seemed to cower into himself before he practically ran from set, seething at that time, mumbling curses and scowls at himself as he opened one of his water bottles and emptied it entirely in one go. When Darren turned he could see their cast mates looking at him wide eyed and obviously not sure what they should do but he tried to ignore them as he hurried back to his own trailer. He’d gotten a scolding from Ryan too after an hour of leaving him alone and had to get back on set immediately to finish their scene, but it was obvious that Chris had completely gone back to ignoring them beside when they were acting and Darren was perfectly fine with that.

So now he’s trembling on his feet, dreading the scenes that are about to come, already having hit Chris with their prop on his thumb and getting a glare in return even though he really couldn’t help it from happening. He sips his water slowly, not even looking at the people around them setting up until he gets called when things are ready.   
Taking a deep breath, Darren looks up at Chris and the first thing he notices is the hardened gaze the latter has on him. He knows that it’s mostly a cover for Chris, keeping his walls up as high as he can get but he can’t blame him since he’s doing exactly the same right now.

He’s glad though that the one they’re shooting right now is one with a lot of people around them because he doesn’t think he could bear having to do a one on one scene at this moment, especially not since he knows that there’s still one coming up the next day. With a sigh he picks up his props and follows the earlier instructions Zach had given them, standing right behind each other before the music starts and he has to pay attention to make sure he’s doing the right moves. It’s easy though to play out Blaine’s emotions during the scene right now, feeling them oh so similar inside himself even though it makes him fumble through his movements sometimes. He doesn’t get called out for it though, realizing that it’s mostly making it come across as something that is just Blaine. It lasts until the end though, suddenly surprised at the rather harsh blow he gets to his shoulder from Chris and he is just in time to refrain himself from shouting out Chris’ name instead of Kurt’s. He doesn’t get it, doesn’t get what is happening between them and right now it only fuels his own anger over Chris’ lack of professionalism although it’s most likely only obvious for him since no one else reacts to it.  
When they get the clear from the director that the scene is done and good to go, Darren storms off set back to his trailer, glad the day is finally over as he grabs his stuff and without even changing his clothes or getting rid of the gel in his hair heading straight home.

 

He doesn’t have to be on set until noon the next day but Darren is already in his trailer since nine that morning. He didn’t plan on being there that early, but getting a few calls from Mia the evening before had left him exasperated and tired of everything happening around him right now. She’s been nagging him about a lot of different things, about certain events he’s supposed to show up with her but he really could care less right now so instead of giving her the chance to show up on his doorstep, he went in to work figuring that at least there she would keep the constant questioning to a minimum.  
He goes over his lines over and over again, letting them burn in his mind but at the meantime they settle in his heart too, feeling they’re too close to his own and not able to do a thing about it so he ends up sitting on his couch and trying to swallow back his emotions as he tries to steel himself for what’s to come. 

On set later that afternoon, they’ve already been at it for a little while, making sure they know where to stand and that the lighting is okay. Chris has hardly made any eye contact throughout the time they’re there together but when they get called in order to start shooting, something shifts in his eyes, Darren can clearly see it and he can’t help the sparkle of hope that suddenly flares up even if he knows better than to do that. Doing that particular scene, leaves him feeling as vulnerable as Blaine feels and when he gets to the lines that are the most heartfelt of the whole scene, he’s trembling slightly as he looks into Chris’ eyes.

_“I’m just so scared that you’re gonna keep changing and that you’re gonna keep getting stronger, and one day you’re going to wake up and going to realize, ‘I don’t love him anymore.’”_

These were the words Darren feared the most, because he feels like any moment now he’s going to break into sobs himself, the words so true to his own heart that he can’t do anything else but look into Chris’ eyes, trying to show him how much those words actually mean to him. He lost Chris already, he knows that, and he can’t help his mind from going back to that time in their hotel room where he basically felt the hurt Blaine is feeling right now.   
When Chris looks into his eyes with a pained and sad expression, he knows Chris is thinking about the same thing and when he says, _“Never … I’m always gonna love you.”_ , it’s like a flood of relief going through Darren. He doesn’t want to hope too much, but at this moment he can see it in Chris’ eyes, his walls down and opened up to him, he can see that Chris really does mean what he says even if they’re both at such a bad place right now.   
As Chris steps up to him, wraps him up into his arms, Darren takes in a deep breath, feeling his heart calm down instantly by the mere proximity of Chris and if he holds on a little bit longer than the script told them, no one is commenting on it.

They linger a bit longer on set after that, most of the crew gone for the day now and Darren is standing to the side with a water bottle in hand, absentmindedly letting his finger trace the letters on it.   
“You know, I’m not sure if you can actually rub the words off of those bottles.” He suddenly hears a voice say and he startles a little, looking up to find Chris standing in front of him. He’s rubbing his neck in a gesture Darren knows so clearly to be one that he only makes when he’s nervous. He doesn’t comment on it though and says instead,  
“Yeah, I know … I’m just … thinking.”  
It’s better than what is really going through his mind, wanting to ask if Chris really still loves him and what the look in his eyes when they did their scene actually meant. Being known as someone who often talks before thinking things through, he praises himself inwardly for being able to stop the stream of words now.  
Chris sighs, eyes darting around the room before settling somewhere right above Darren’s eyes, “I’m … I’m sorry about yesterday. It was … I shouldn’t have been so … I shouldn’t have attacked you like I did and I’m sorry. It’s …” He stops talking suddenly, gaze dropping on the floor between them and Darren is almost inclined to urge him to go on but refrains from it.

Instead he takes a step closer, dipping his head a little to hope to catch Chris’ gaze as he says, “Chris, no … I’m … Yeah, well …” His words come out stuttering and unsure and he sighs heavily before adding, “Honestly, You didn’t have a reason and I … I just don’t get it Chris. I don’t get why you … Why we can’t just … go on like we did. I know why we had … you know but I can’t … Why you …” He doesn’t finish that sentence though, knowing all too well that Chris knows exactly what he isn’t saying. Chris does look back up at him now and it takes all of Darren’s own willpower not to just wrap him up into his arms as he sees the broken look into Chris’ eyes.   
And Chris does know what Darren means, knows all too well that they should be able to just go on but with Darren it isn’t as simple, with anyone else it would have been but not with him.   
“I … I can’t … I’m still seeing him and … I can’t …” Chris starts to stutter but suddenly looks over Darren’s shoulder and quickly adds, “I have to go.” He steps besides Darren and rushes off to the other side of the set and disappears through the stage door there, leaving Darren behind once again, stunned and looking at where he disappeared.

 


End file.
